I just wanna be me
by music-speaks-to-me
Summary: Alan's thoughts on his brothers, who people think he is and who he is. Movie-verse. being revised chapter 2 - 5 up
1. Chapter 1: Family & me

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Hi my name is Alan Shepherd Tracy and I am the youngest child of the ex-astronaut Jeff Tracy. This means I have four older brothers Scott, John, Virgil and Gordon.

Scott is the oldest and there is ten whole years between us meaning he's 24 and I'm only 14. I love Scott especially since he practically raised me after my mum died when I was four. But since dad started up with the thunderbirds Scott has started ignoring me and when he talks to me it's basically just teasing.

John's the next oldest at 22 he was briefly in NASA before he joined the thunderbirds. I don't really get to see him so we don't have the best relationship but he probably knows about the same about me as the rest of the family, which is nothing.

Virgil is next and is 20. He was a doctor briefly so he is the island's unofficial doctor. Virgil and me were never really close not like me and Gordon or me and Scott but it still hurts how just ignores or teases me now.

Gordon is my last older brother and he is 18 so there's four years between us. When we were younger me and Gordon were the terrible two but now we're not! That's all there is to say. Except…well sometimes I feel like he hates me!

And then there's me. Alan Shepherd Tracy. The youngest. The mistake. The unwanted one. The unimportant one.

My family think I'm just selfish, childish, reckless, stupid etc.

And maybe it I am selfish, childish, reckless and stupid if it's selfish, childish, reckless and stupid to want my family to care, to want them to remember me, to want them to know the real me. They don't though, they don't know the real me. They don't know that I feel like there's nothing I can do because I will never do as good as them. I don't want to learn to fly because I could never do it as good as Scott. I can do many things with a computer but John, Fermat and Brains are the computer people. I can play some musical but Virgil can play twice as much. I can swim quite fast but Gordon has an Olympic gold medal for swimming. I have nothing so I must build walls up around myself to protect me from everyone including myself.


	2. Chapter 2: Rescues & Me

**_Hi i no own this thanks to Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010, kattfan 12001 and beadbird for the reviews you guys are the reason i decided to make this more than a one shot_**

**_this is a revised edition._**

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I've just finished my last day of school when the school's little messenger comes running down the corridor yelling, "It's the Thunderbirds. They're gonna be on TV. Let's go!"

As he runs past me and Fermat I grab him under the arms, "Whoa! Where are they?"

"In Russia, at an oil rig fire." He yells in my face and then pulls himself free and runs off down the corridor to the T.V. room.

Immediately my defence mode comes into play so I don't get hurt and I say, "Great! I'm stuck at school and my brothers are on a cool mission."

My best friend, Fermat Hackenbacker, stares at me and for a minute I think I'm busted but then he smiles and says, "Wanna watch?"

I grin even though I'm screaming in side and reply with, "Yeah."

Together we race into the T.V. room and fight our way to the front of the crowd in time to hear the end of Lisa Lowe's report, "…lives of six men who remain trapped on board. An emergency call went out to the Thunderbirds a few minutes ago. They should be here any moment now. And here they are!"

Everyone cheers as thunderbird one flies into view quickly followed by thunderbird two. And pretty soon Fermat and I are pretending we are behind the controls of one of my dad's amazing machines, we move our hands just like my brothers or my dad will be doing to Fermat this is cool to me it a relaxant.

"What'll they do now?" Fermat whispers to me.

"Lower the platform from thunderbird two!" I whisper back and seconds later they lower down the platform with Virgil on it.

After that everyone seems to think everything will be fine but my stomach is doing a nervous jig every time Virgil steps to close to the edge of the platform. _Virgil don't you dare die one me. I will kill you if you die on me; _I think each of these times.

After what feels like a lifetime for me the platform is pulled back into the belly of thunderbird two and my family is safe again.

I cheer along with everyone else, even though I feel like crying. But my walls come back in complete force as Josh Henderson yells, "Man I wish could be a thunderbird one day, Thunder turd!" Here he looks at me smugly and I can't resist taking him down a peg or two.

"That's another good one, diaper boy!" I reply and can't help but smirk when everyone else laughs and he looks annoyed.


	3. Chapter 3: Home & me

**_Hi _**

**_ Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 and for the reviews hope you guys like this chapter_**

**_ oh and that new copy and paste box is too small it's why this chapter wasn't posted sooner_**

**_this is a revised edition._**

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As Parker announces we are approaching Tracy Island my stomach is filled with butterflies and I have to try hard not to vomit but as Parker continues and says, "And radar indicates we have some company." I force a smile onto my face and give my dad a thumbs up as he flies by.

I even manage a small laugh as they speed up and Scott shows off his fancy flying and Lady Penelope says, "Now, that's showing off."

-Line-break-

I'm sitting at the table talking to Fermat and Onaha and trying to calm my growing nerves when I hear my dad's voice. Knowing full well I can't let him in I pretend to be all happy but secretly I wish he would see through my charade, "Dad!"

"Alan!" he yells back and pulls me into a hug, just before my brothers come running in to say hello to me and then to move onto Fermat like they don't even care.

"Dinner's ready. Come and get it." Onaha tells us and we all rush to sit around the table.

As my dad gets a drink I try to talk about the rescue but he waves me off and instead wants to talk about school. And when I suggest that I could be home schooled he shrugs me off and replies, "No short cuts, Alan. No school, no rockets. Why aren't you wearing your retainer?"

And then walks off before I can reply leaving me feeling like no one really wants to know what I think or really cares.

I sit down at the table just in time to catch the end of Scott's boasting, "…knots, right up my keister."

And when I try to be helpful by suggesting he should readjust the flaps.

The teasing starts, "Of course! It's not my first day in a Thunderbird. Keep up!"

"Don't you have homework?"

"Unless he's blown up this school, like the last one!"

"Keep Alan away from the ships. He's a hazard!"

And instead of standing up for me my dad says, "That's enough. Pass the salad."

And everyone just goes back to the topic of the mission. After a couple of minutes I realise I don't really want hang around in the open where my brothers can tease me (plus I don't feel like eating anymore), so I quietly tell everyone, "I'm not really hungry."

But no one seems to notice not even when I pull Fermat up with me because no one cares about me. But why should they I'm a failure and I should just die.


	4. Chapter 4: Thunderbirds & me

**_Hi _**

_** it could go there ;)**_

_**kattfan12001 here's the next chapter and i should have a few more after this ;)**_

_**Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 finally here's the update**_

**_this is a revised edition_**

**_Secret_**

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"Where'd you get the access code?" Fermat asks me as I key into thunderbird one's silo.

"Fermat, my friend, what you don't know can't hurt you." I reply with a smirk. Fermat and me sit down in the seats, "OK, Fermat. Run pre-flight checks."

Fermat nodded, "Right. Hydraulic systems are green."

"Commence main engine sequence." I reply

"FAB, Alan!"

"Couldn't hurt to just fire up the instruments." I suggest.

"No Alan! Wrong switch!" Fermat yells a second too late.

I almost feel like swearing as the automated voice starts repeating, "Warning. Engine sequence: Breach." Over and over again.

"Could this day get any worse?" I ask rhetorically.

But of course it can as my dad suddenly appears on the screen and saying, "Alan, my office. Now!"

"It just did." Fermat replies.

"I can't believe it." I say almost to myself as me and Fermat leave thunderbird 1. "This is the worst day of my life!"

I'm glad that Fermat has a slight hearing impairment as instead of commenting on what he said he points at a green gel thing and says, "Look at this."

"What is it?"

"Looks like some sort of... gallium-electrolyte compound." Fermat replies and I decide I have to tell my dad as Fermat sounds really nervous.


	5. Chapter 5: Dad's office & me

**_Hi this a short chapter and i sort of hope it proves to Forest Princess that i can be original if she doesn't believe me then she can go look at my other stories and if she doesn't believe me then she can kindly not read my stories because you shouldn't read something just to hate on it and i have enough problems in my life with out he adding to them._**

_**Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010 thanks**_

_**yep it is like that stupid move Jeffy :-(**_

**_this is a revised edition_**

**_Secret_**

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Slowly I make my way to dad's office wishing I wasn't here, wishing I'd never been born.

When I get to the office I knock on the door and my dad says, "Come in!"

Slowly I make my way in and walk over to his desk. "Dad-," I started but he cuts me off.

"What the hell were you thinking! One wrong move and this whole operation goes up in smoke! Or people find out who we are!" He yells and I try hard to hide a shudder I must of managed as he doesn't stop there. "Earlier you told me you want to be a thunderbird but you can't even bring home Bs on your report card!"

That comment really hurts as my last report was mainly Bs with a few As but before I can open my mouth he continues. "You need to grow up!"

"What!? You sit there acting like you know me when you don't and you have the nerve to tell me to grow up! You need to grow up and realise that I am not the same little boy I was when mum died!" I know I'm being mean but I mean come on he doesn't even know the first thing about me!

"That's it Alan! You are grounded!"

"Do you honestly think I care anymore?!" I reply and storm out.

I storm all the way to my room and once I get there I collapse on the bed feeling all my energy drain away. I sigh and can't help but think, _why? Why me? Why do I have to be so different from the rest of my family? And why can't they just accept it? Why can't it just be like before mum died? Why did she die but I survived? Why did I have to be sick why couldn't I be well so we could go with dad and my brothers skiing instead of being in the cabin?_


	6. Chapter 6: the beach & me

**_Hi this a short chapter again but I will try and make the next one longer_**

_**thanks and I will  
**_

_**kattfan12001 Thanks loving your stories by the way**_

**_this is a revised edition_**

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I decide I need to calm down so I go down to the beach and just sit there for a minute thinking. I sigh I'm worthless, I'm so worthless. I know I'm depressed but I've never ever cut so I'm not depressed enough for my brothers to care.

After a while I stand up and look for stones to use for my stone-throwing machine I made it myself and am proud of it, the only problem is the stones need to be the right size or they don't work but nothing's perfect. Especially not anything made by me because according to my family. I'm an idiot, I'm worthless. I'm ripped out of my thoughts by Thunderbird 3 launching up in to the sky and it must be going to Thunderbird 5 which immediately strikes me as odd as I believed Thunderbird 5 to be fully stocked and John to staying up there till summer.

I hadn't realised Tintin had joined me until Fermat runs on to the beach, out of breath, yelling that Thunderbird 5 had been hit by a meteor or something.

I try to calm him down but then a little way away from the beach a sub surfaces and we glance at each other and yell, "RUN!"


	7. Chapter 7: the hood & me

**_Hi this a short chapter again but I will try and make the next one longer_**

_**thanks i have tried to make this different from the movie while following the story as much as possible  
**_

_**kattfan12001 Thanks and here it is**_

_**JoTracy123 thanks**_

_**Thanks to you 3 for reviewing**_

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We decide we need to tell Brains about the sub so we head to the control room but when we get to the house there are two men who look like they would kill us so we have to go through the vents.

We stop when we reach the vent above the command room and are about to slide down we hear voices I motion for Tintin and Fermat to stop and we listen.

"…You are no longer control your operational systems." A weird bald man says and I can see my family on the monitor showing them in thunderbird 5.

I shake my head this can't be happening my brothers and dad cannot die. I will not be left alone. I need them they are my world.

Fermat brings me out of my thoughts by sneezing and I'm worried until Brains covers it up by pretending it's him.

The hood says, "You left me to die that day. You may have broken my body but you've no idea how powerful my mind has become. Now you will suffer, as I suffered, waiting for a rescue that will never come."

"Wait!" somebody yells but the connection is cut before they can finish.

_This is bad_ I think _real bad _and just when I think it can't get any worse, Fermat sneezes again. Me and Tintin try to cover his sneeze but it's still heard. So we have to jump down the tube to where the thunderbirds are kept.

We try to run into one of the silos to do god knows what but they all close before we can get there I realise we're trapped and a plan starts to form in my head, "If we can get to the Thunderbird 1 silo, we can escape through the service tunnel."

"How are we gonna get in in case you haven't noticed the doors are all shut." Tintin points out.

"I'll use the Thunderizer on the door." The Elevator beeps but I ignore it. "Get the goons with the Firefly!"

Fermat says something but I only catch have of it, "This equipment is only to be used in an emergency!"

I turn to him and raise my eyebrows; _does he seriously not understand the seriousness of this situation_?

"I guess this qualifies."

I nod and we all run off to do what we have to do.

I push the button to start Thunderizer and begin driving it towards the side of thunderbird 1's silo, I switch the laser on and send a silent apology to Scott and pray that he won't kill me.

I run to the door and try to open it while Fermat and Tintin but the door won't open in fact it says "Access denied!"

I turn to the other two and tell them, "Keep a look out and yell if you see them coming."

I turn back to the door and try to open it again but it still says, "Access denied!"

I hear something and turn around and when I turn back around I do a double take as the hood is standing there.

He smiles a weird scary smile at me, "Hello Alan. You can run if you want. But I know you won't do that because by now you don't care if you live or die do you because no one cares about you. You should just forget it, forget them, I can help you just open the door Alan. Open the door, Alan. Open... the... door."

I shake my head and back away, "He's here!"

"What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know!" Oh mum why aren't you here, I think.

Suddenly I have an idea, "I've got it keep backing up!"

When we've backed up enough I pull out my stone skimmer and fire as everyone probably thinks at the hood although I wouldn't mind if it hit him but it's not the first place I want to hit.

I miss and hear Tintin say something but ignore it and focus on the hood, "It's not me your angry at."

I smile even though_ I'm thinking can't you just stop being mean to me for once?_ And cut him off as I know he's about to say something I don't want to hear, "It's not you I'm aiming at!"

I fire again and this time hit the panel behind the hood and the floor beneath us falls through.

When the flames start following us I almost slow down and end it all but then remember what the hood could do with the thunderbirds and the thoughts fall from my mind.


	8. Chapter 8: saving the thunderbirds & me

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**_wow this one is longer_**

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We shoot out of the tubes and land in the water. While the flames burn out above us me and Tintin stand up and Fermat says, "Alan! I could have drowned!"

"You can't swim?!" I ask shocked.

"I repeat I could have drowned."

I'm stunned into silence and by the time I am able to speak again we are already on our way to the satellite rely dish thanks to Fermat's plan and I'm lugging Fermat's butt up a miniature mountain.

After a fail at the satellite rely dish that I don't want to talk about we end up rolling down a hill and in to a mini lake. I almost stay underwater but then I think of another way to stop the hood and I push myself out of the water.

As soon as I break the surface I turn to Tintin, "Tintin can you slow them down?"

"Love to!" She says with a grin.

"Do it!" I tell her. "Then meet us at the scrap yard."

I yank Fermat out of the water and we head off towards the scrap yard.

When we get there I notice Scott's old penknife on the ground and pick it up.

By the time Tintin's arrived I have almost finished getting the hover-sled ready.

"That's what you want to do?" She asks.

"Yeah!" I reply without looking at her as I am concentrating on a difficult bit of machinery.

"Don't you think we should wait for lady Penelope like your dad said?" She replies.

_Yeah maybe that's a good idea but maybe you don't realise that lady Penelope's gonna head straight for the villa where the hood will get her _I think.

"No, we should just go they could still be following us!" I reply as I finish with the bit of machinery.

Tintin looks at me like I've gone mad and I turn to Fermat, "you agree with me don't you?"

"I thi-agree…w…ith, Tin…tin." He replies and again I'm shocked.

_How can you agree with Tintin you have to realise that the hood will capture Lady Penelope the minute she arrives maybe we can find a way to warn her, she doesn't know what she's walking into_ I think but with my natural defences none of that makes it to my mouth. Instead I mock Fermat by saying, "Yo…u rea…do…do…you?"

Ok looking at their stunned faces I realise that, that was probably very harsh but I'm to saddened that even my best friend doesn't agree with me so I just jump on the bike and after a minute or two they get on behind.

We shoot up in the air and after a few minutes I turn around and think oh no why do I have to be such an idiot as it seems thanks to the argument with Tintin and Fermat I forgot to secure the back of the sled and know Tintin and Fermat are trying to outrun some of the hood's cronies.

I move away as Fermat and Tintin are grabbed by the cronies. After a few minutes I land in another clearing, that I hope will be far enough away from the cronies, get of the hover sled and sit down leaning against a tree and pull out Scott's knife I then pull back my sleeve and draw the knife over my skin. When I lift it up I stare at the blood trickling off the end for a minute, thinking wow this is actually helping. Even though it hurts I keep telling myself _the pain is good the pain is good, I deserve it_ as I make another cut then another and another till I've lost track of time I don't know how long I've been cutting for the only thing I know is the sound of thunderbird 2 setting off brings me back to the present. I sit there for a minute watching the blood dry ever so slightly on my wrist before I shoot up and run towards the villa a plan already forming in my head.

As I run through the forest my arm starts to hurt but ignore it and push on, by can even see the villa the time I through the trees my arm feels like it's about to drop off.

When I get to the villa I notice the window is smashed with the sofa lying on the other side, dad's not gonna be happy. I also notice a set of muddy footprints that I begin to follow stopping of at the infirmary to clean and bandage my wrists. As I continue following the footprints I wipe Scott's penknife on a tissue I have in my pocket. When I reach the end of the trail of footprints, I shake my head how can the hood lock people in the freezer and just leave?

I open the door and everyone turns to me in shock I smile they all look alright well apart from being tied up, "What? Ain't you ever seen me go in the freezer before?"

I untie them but everyone still stares at me so I say, "come on we have people to save!"

That seems to snap everyone out of it and they follow me to the control room where Brains and Fermat work to bring the thunderbirds back on line.

"The hood has taken thunderbird 2!" I tell them.

"I'll…fol…track him." Brains replies and I nod.

I notice everyone is still shivering so I leave the room and turn the heating up a little. When I return Brains has almost got the thunderbirds online but him and Fermat are stuck at the last firewall. They stand at two of the computers and I walk over to the third one and set to work.

I quickly realise that I can go in the back way and hack the computer in a matter of minutes. I hear Fermat and Brains make noises of surprise and everyone turns to the third computer and me. I smile at them and step back as the live video feed from thunderbird 5 appears on the large screen.

The feed quickly catches everyone's attention as my brothers and dad are just floating around unconscious.

"Dad!" I yell.

"Mr Tracy!" Tintin and Fermat yell.

Everyone yells things trying to get my dad and brothers to wake up. But nothing works until Brains yells, "Jeff you massive idiot wake up!"

My dad opens his eyes and smiles, "That's the first time you've ever called me by my first name."

"We …nnne…eed…one…you to con…confirm stability." Brains replies.

John moves over to the computer at the left of thunderbird 5 and shakes his head, "Still locked on our side!"

Brains and Fermat looked stumped and I say, "Try working your way through the coding backwards and it should open."

John does as I tell him and then grins and turns to me, "Hey that worked! Nice one Alan!"

I smile slightly, even though that comment does lift my spirts, and mutter, "Thanks!"

"The hoods on his way to London." Lady Penelope tells everyone.

"We'll never make it in time; thunderbird 3 has lost a booster!" Scott says.

John whispers something to dad and he nods, "Alan how about you go and hold the ground for us for a while?"

I think about it and then put my hands on Fermat and Tintin's shoulder, "Only if these two come with me!"

My dad smiles and nods so me, Tintin, Fermat and Lady Penelope get into thunderbird one and fly to London. _I just saved the thunderbirds and now I have to save London_ I think.


End file.
